Too Old for Crowded??

This weekend was the first time for ages that I ventured to the House that is Crowded without my trusty wingman.. wingwoman? Wingperson? Um... Never mind you get the idea. And let's just say that besides it being a wholly unnerving experience of not having a respectable and competant drinking partner, Crowded this last weekend had shifted somewhere into the next dimension, with the level of weirdness exceeding the New Year's incident of 06/07. First off.. being introduced to a mate's parents, who were partying it up at their daughter's eighteenth birthday party, at the shooters bar, was disturbing enough but as the night progressed so did the level of strange and traumatising behaviour.

A bit later, said mate's sister sat down with a couple of girls across from us and proceeded to engage in a threesome that intrigued all passers-by, whilst we had front row seats to watch this contortion of bodies. But what freaked me out just a little was when they handed us a camera and said take photos.. Somehow I did not see the role of amateur porn director coming my way when I paid my entrance fee. But then again I didn't think I had paid for table dancing strippers either, and there too we got a full show from some random drunk girl who, in all honesty shouldn't wear a bathing costume, let alone writhing naked body poses.

But I think the cake was finally taken, swallowed and digested on the main dance floor. As I was jumping around, trying to avoid being stood on and maintain the grace and balance of a pregnant manatee that seems to possess me after a few drinks, I happened to glance over at the main stage. The image still burns my delicate corneas... Instead of seeing the short skirts of happy, drunk Barbies parading their jiggling cellulite for leery old men to admire, I was traumatised to see the leery old men having inappropriate relations with the stage poles..

What is going on?? Have I all of sudden just reached the end of my clubbing era that I'm feeling slightly disturbed by all of this... or does this always occur but I'm just to tequila happy to notice? Note to self... Staying sober whilst clubbing is traumatic, dangerous and inappropriate so give me more tequila!

Riots on Campus

I was considering writing about the movie I watched last night and some interesting American logic displayed in it, but I think that that needs to be brushed aside for the time being. This morning I arrived at varsity only to hear from Solomon that some students had decided to strike because of something to do with a residence waiting list.

Now there’s a lot wrong with this.. Firstly, why the hell strike on our campus? No-one here has anything to do with it. If you wanna strike go to Durban and terrorise the vice-chancellor with your nonsense. And secondly, why are these silly people disrupting lectures. I never realised that it was your lecturers or fellow students that decided who, or at times, what got approved to res. But apparently, we breed a logic, at this fine institution, of non-cognitive reasoning.

Any whoo.. Besides this, I do have sympathy for these students, because it seems that this is their only option to be heard. The cause of all this singing (strangely enough they’ve been singing ‘Hallelujah’.. a bit weird for a protest song but who am I to judge) and stomping is that apparently the varsity still has over 400 students on a waiting list to get into res on our campus. Come now it’s almost two weeks into semester and that many students are still waiting for accommodation?? Seriously now, who is that cruel.. oh wait I could use a few words to describe who, but I fear for my life. This place is notorious for not being able to take criticism and making undesirables disappear.

My point though is don’t let a list like that get that long.. Cause I can guarantee you that there is no possible way that over 400 students will drop out within two weeks to make room for all those on a waiting list. But I guess it kinda makes sense that people’s sense of numbers is so pathetic, when you consider that to pass Matric you only need to know a third of what you’ve been taught for 12 years. So in reality, it’s our failing education system that has forced students to strike and not the lack of places in res.. Wow!! Never woulda thunk it would you??

Jeru's List

I was reading Jeru's fantastic blog entitled Mutated Lemons and I gotta say that I was inspired. She formulated a list once upon a time when she was still young and naive that predicted what she would never achieve in life. And whilst most people would think that it would apt to begin thinking and writing one's bucket list, I think Jeru had the right idea to write what I can safely and confidently say that I will never achieve. Then just think.. if you do manage to do it you it's a real achievement and your disappointment is actually an achievement.

So in that spirit my list goes as follows:
1) I will never be tall leggy and naturally blonde
2) I will never get to play cricket with Shaun Pollock
3) I will never get to plant daffodils on the sun
4) I will never be able to escape the visions of the red dress
5) I will never spawn an alien's baby
6) I will never be able to make expendable energy from a potato
7) I will never be nice about Bush
8) I will never eat a bacon, tomato, mayo and peanut butter toasted sandwich
9) I will never enjoy camping
10) I will never understand the male brain
11) I will never create anything of use to anyone
12) I will never eat eels, brains, or puppies
13) I will never be an acrobat
14) I will never learn Dutchman
15) I will never date a Dutchman
16) I will never get plastic surgery (unless I have a horrible disfiguring accident)
17) I will never train children under the age of two for toddler death fighting
18) I will never party without some tequila involved

Personal Kryptonites

Whilst semi-hard at work this week, Wes popped up on my Gtalk to say hi. He's getting back in a few days from the savage bush up north and in traditional fashion we both promised that a party in his honour should mark his return. But we both agreed that certain drinks should be banned, and it was then that I realised that certain drinks act as each person's personal kryptonite... impairing their judgement and weakening them to the forces that harm them.

Think about it, while its true that all booze has a habit to impair your judgement only certain ones make you do very very silly things.. and force you into a state of semi-mobility and consciousness for at least a day after. Personally, I always thought tequila was my golden monster.. as Wes refers to his, but I realised the other nite that mine is actually a combination. Vodka generally starts me off, because I can tell you, with enough vodka I will do almost anything (speaking of which I still want that sours top back Wes!). But vodka can't be my kryptonite alone because it has no crippling effects.. actually it's like my personal battery pack that just keeps me going and going like a happy bunny.

However, it's when I mix my magical water with the spawn that is straw rum that my problems start. Not only does my body just start rejecting its limbs as its own within an hour (resulting in what resembles a confused manatee on the dancefloor) but the next day I am plagued not only with the traditional pulsating brain mush, but my stomach isn't quite sure whether food is food or if it is cleverly disguised liquor trying to destroy more of its linings and so lurches at the faintest whiff of pizza... Which it imagines to be the cleverly disguised rum bastard hidden amongst the cheesy crust.

But what still confuses me is that while I know all of this.. every time I go out that damn vodka draws me to that dark Caribbean prince and it all happens again... All I can be truly thankful for is that liver cells can re-generate themselves.... right Wes ;)

Juggling Burglars

I couldn't believe it!! After only getting home after two sometime last week I was woken up with people phoning and moaning and carrying on outside my bedroom door just as the sun was coming up. God, people can be so inconsiderate of one's partying and hanging morning after state. I realised that this was no garden variety wake-up but that some idiot had broken into our garage and tried to steal the car.

But after reviewing the scene, I came to the conclusion that thieves, whilst being the plague of society, are also an example of the educationally retarded. From the evidence it seems that there was only one person involved.. so whilst this guy was an independent thinker, what seems to have gone down pretty much proves my theory regarding mental incompetence. After breaking the car window open to get inside and to steal the radio face... a radio face which was forgotten later on the back seat... this brilliant thinker stopped to think about how to get out of the garage. Cause let's face it.. he ain't gonna get much out of a window.

So this bright spark tries to open the main garage door and lo and behold what does he do... breaks the door so that it can't open more than half a meter. Well done!! But this didn't deter this cunning plotter.. He then realised that if he can't get the car out he can use my mountain bike as his getaway vehicle. But what else to take?? Not much you can carry on a bike.. especially a bike which had two flat tires and a broken pedal. Should he take the garden spade? Maybe the ladder? No, he sees electrical equipment... it's electrical so it must be valuable. An electric weed whacker to be exact. Poor guy.. I actually feel sorry for him..

Picture this.. riding a bike that is flat whilst balancing a weed whacker across the handle bars, riding down the road to aviod the cops who might just find this a little suspicious.. And for what? Shame, the weed whacker hasn't worked since 1985 or so.. So all that effort for absolutely nothing.. Hope it serves you right, you idiot, go get a real job and then maybe your newly acquired possessions won't be broken as soon as you get them. Oh and try do it again.. Cause after this, I've decided that I'm getting a cougar... A cougar I will call Bubbles!!! And then we'll see whose laughing!!!!!!